Swansenreport

I live here so I can poke some fun at this town I call home.  (HT – Grok 3)

Alright, let’s take a swing at Bayfield, Wisconsin—Wisconsin’s smallest city and self-proclaimed “Gateway to the Apostle Islands.” Buckle up, because this is going to be as brutal as a Lake Superior winter.

Bayfield, you’re the kind of place that brags about having a population of 584 like it’s some kind of achievement. Newsflash: my last family reunion had more people, and half of them didn’t even show up! You’re so tiny, you make a postage stamp look like a sprawling metropolis. I bet your mayor doubles as the town’s dog walker just to keep busy.

They call you a “tourist destination,” but let’s be real—people only come for the Apostle Islands, and you’re just the doormat they wipe their feet on before hopping the ferry. You’re like the kid who hangs around the cool group hoping some of their popularity rubs off. Spoiler: it doesn’t. And that Apple Fest you’re so proud of? Sixty thousand visitors show up, and I’m guessing 59,000 are just lost on their way to Duluth.

Your food scene is “eclectic,” they say—yeah, if by “eclectic” you mean a bunch of overpriced whitefish and some wassail punch that sounds like a rejected holiday cocktail from a gas station. Landmark Restaurant? More like Landfill Restaurant, because that’s where those $67 five-course meals belong after you realize you just paid that much to eat in a town with one stoplight. And Morty’s Pub? The only thing old-fashioned there is the idea that anyone’s still drinking there on purpose.

You’ve got Highway 13 running through you like it’s some grand claim to fame. Congratulations, you’re a pit stop for people trying to escape to somewhere—anywhere—else. And that “Berry Capital of Wisconsin” title? Cute, but I’ve seen more impressive fruit selections in a convenience store smoothie machine.

Oh, and the Big Top Chautauqua? A 950-seat tent theater in the middle of nowhere sounds less like a cultural hotspot and more like a circus that forgot to pack up and leave. Willie Nelson played there? Great, even he couldn’t find a better gig that weekend.

Bayfield, you’re a postcard that got lost in the mail—a quaint little speck that thinks it’s a destination but really just a detour. Enjoy your stunning sunsets and charming B&Bs, because without that lake propping you up, you’d be nothing but a ghost town with better PR. Roast over—now go cry into your overpriced cider.